Drowsy Cerebrations: Ants, 5hr Energy, Focalin

There. I fixed your picture.
First of all…
What’s with all of these ants coming into the house? I’ve lived in an apartment with cockroaches before, so I thought ants were no big deal. What I failed to remember was ants are a brave bunch. They’ll crawl up your arm and just chill on you.
Listen here little mother fuckers. DON’T MAKE ME BREAK OUT THE R-R-R-RRAIIIID!!!!!!.

So today was an incredibly long day. I woke up at 5:30 to get to work at 7:00 this morning. I’m not really sure why I’m still awake. I should’ve crashed by now considering I had a ton of coffee today. Maybe my boss snuck some of his 5 hour energy drink into my falafel. (get your mind out of the gutter.) He’s addicted to it, infact. It seems like that stuff wouldn’t be very good for you.. I mean it looks like one of those tiny schnapps bottles you get on airplanes, and even though I only have good memories associated with schnapps+flying I can’t help but notice a correlation between next day dry-heaving and peach schnapps.

So I looked up the nutritional content and it actually doesn’t look that bad. I mean it has niacin and ginseng in it..

My shampoo has niacin in it, which I guess is a good thing, right? I’m far from condoning this stuff though. For one, I haven’t tried it, and shit, I’m no sell out. Not until they pay me at least.

well anyway, It’s probably better than popping Focalin after missing a night of sleep. Not that I would know. Right. Anyway, someone who did do that would tell you it totally drains your dopamine and yeah, it keeps you up, but by the end of the day you’re clutching a handful of baby aspirin trying to off yourself because you have a case of the sads.

well, I woke up too early for this fuckery so I’m going to bed now.

The Best Part About Getting Evicted

So I’m getting evicted.
and that’s really shitty.

But to be honest, I’m pretty excited to be moving out. New people, new scenery.
Anyway, I’ve decided a good place to start would be posting an ad on craigslist. I did, and it went something like this:
Hey, My name is X-X-X and I’m looking for a place to stay Sept—>THE FUTURE!!! My lease is running out and I’m looking to find something new.
Like going out in moderation, and I’m a student so I may sometimes become a recluse around mids and finals.
love biking, painting, drawing, writing, trying new things
If you’re looking for a roommate let me know
Well if you want to know anything else you can email me at X-X-X-X-@X-X-X.com
or check out my facebook (Search: My Name, the college I pretend to still go to even though I dropped out and I’m in community college)

ps like animals, but dont have any. (LOLZ)

or something along those lines. I haven’t really posted an ad like this before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Turns out the best part about getting evicted are the responses you get on Craigs List to your wanted post. Check out these hot rocks:

Two Rad Dudes

We are two rad dudes who enjoy the finer things in life like loud
music, hanging with our adorable pitbull named Chief Brody, and good
herbs. We are looking for a roommate who is more or less on the same
page as us regarding these things. We don’t usually party at home and
we don’t bring the party home so there is nothing to worry about in
that department.

The room for rent is in our basement so unfortunately there are no
windows, but there is plenty of space for you to get crazy in. The
room is also connected to our living room, but we have made a door so
that its now separated. We would really like to share the living room
but be we will definitely respect your privacy. The basement has
rather low ceilings but also has a 1/2 bathroom.

If you cannot handle loud metal, have a pet allergy, or just suck at
life, do not apply!

Though I do love to get crazy I feel like a basement room with a low ceiling, and no windows isn’t necessarily conducive to said desire. I am however curious about Chief Brody.

for those who don’t remember, the Original Chief

I might not be right for Two Rad Dudes but I wish them luck in finding someone. There are enough faceless 21/m’s on craigslist so I’m sure something will come up.

Lonely From London

The apartment is located at……..-and I confidently tell you that you will enjoy staying.

A lil about me..I am SX-X-X- BX-X-X-X born in London ,single and in my
late 20’s,i love reading,travelling and meeting new people especially
neat ones..lol..I love going to the pubs too though i don’t take
alcohol and don’t drink but believe me am a good dancer and am easy to
get along with..I am into events planning and marketing.I spend most
of my time with my boyfriend.I hope we are at the same maturity
level,stable occupation, responsible, reliable,respectful.Could you
tell me a lil bout you too?

Well, I’m no grammar nazi but the writing in this letter really makes me want to stay away. That, and the fact that half her letter sounds like Bullshit. But I can typically look past that, since we’re all full of shit when it comes down to it. I mean I can look past the fact that she’s single at the beginning of the letter and has a boyfriend towards the end, claims that she loves to read, but misspells ‘travelling’ in the same breath, says she doesn’t drink but get’s along with people (unheard of.) However I have this strange feeling that I was being flirted with via the Room Wanted section of Craigs List. Maybe I sound like a total dick bad right now but she does say she’s single in the first line of her reply, and follows by saying she doesn’t need to be drunk to be a good dancer. shit. I’m just jealous though. I can’t dance without a bakers dozen worth of beers in me, and even then I’m just barely pull off a half decent “Elaine.” Maybe I should have put her in touch with Two Rad Dudes. I’m sure she’d be more than happy to live in The Dungeon of Get Crazy.

Though I will admit that I am a little bum that I have to move, the hunt will continue. Thanks for the laughs guys. Now let’s grab a drink!

no. cheers to YOU, Lonely From London

El Niño: The Second Coming

And no, I’m not talking about Pepe from down the block who jacked your Schwinn from the school bike rack when you were 12.
I’m talking the real shit. The weather shit. For those of you who are inclined to be frightened by bad news, cover your eyes!!!

take a look at this thermal image

I’m not really sure what to make of it at this point, but I’m guessing that dog dick-like gash streaking across the earth means BAD. But what do I know? eeehhhverything

According to the Independent.co.uk  “over the next few months, there may be increased drought in Africa, India and Australia, heavier rainfall in South America and increased extremes in Britain, of warm and cold. It may make 2010 one of the hottest years on record.” SPEED LEVITCH ON CRACK ALMIFHRTAllllmightyy, it’s the apocalypse baby!!

Well. Before you get your panties in a bundle The Independent continues  “at present, forecasters do not expect this El Niño to equal that of 1998.” fuckin hookline journalism. Thank god for it. If it wasn’t for shock journalism, well, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to experience such great relief, after having been so wound up.

The only thing I remember that was particularly hot about 1998 was POKEMANIA. I was hot as shit for that stuff. I kid you not.(or was it ‘I’m hot for kids, I shit you not’?) I tried my damndest to dream up ways to make pokemon a reality. I considered catching squirrels and ferrel cats, and the frightening thing is that I’ve heard this same thing from more than one person. Perhaps that isn’t frightening at all considering we might have actually had a little league. I can imagine it now. A group of 8-12 year old boys with scraggly cats and raccoons on leashes fighting for scraps of lunch meat.

I wouldn’t worry to too much about the second coming of el niño (get your mind out of the gutter) but I think I’ll wipe out the old gameboy for a spin around Pallet town.

Oh, The People You Will Meet…On Twitter

I’ve began to realize that the majority of people adding me on Twitter, well, aren’t people at all. They are Bots. Whether they be controlled by big marketing companies, or individuals looking to spread a message, Twitter has been flooded by them. Here are some of examples of the ones who have added me:

There’s The Niche Marketing Bot

Sure, the Muslim Community may be fast-growing but what does that have to do with me? I’m going to assume they’re not ready for my brand of pulpy sarcasm (assholishness) but then again I’m a believer in the philosophy that everyone and everything will eventually degrade into a porny, mud covered,  Dystopia of an orgy,  so maybe I’ll just hang in there (there might be a book deal in it for me.) The truth of the matter is everyone has the right to Viral Marketing via Social Media websites. Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and sites alike have been so flooded by marketing companies it’s hard to remember what purpose they really serve. I think at one time or another they were used for Casual Encounters (m4m, w4w. That kinda stuff.)

There’s The Public Service Announcement Bot

I imagine there are Public Service Announcement twitters out there that are helpful, sure. Like a local weather twitter, or something. Then there’s this little gem. The two purposes SwineFluPanic serves are reporting new cases of swine flu and making me shit my pants and never want to leave my apartment. The cool thing about hypochondriacs is we’re all about a self-sustained lifestyle. Since noone else will validate our over-catious paranoia, we do it for eachother. And SwineFluPanic is just another great example of the “for hypochondriacs by hypochondriacs” mentality.

There’s The Porn Bot

As if you didn’t see this coming. The internet is so flooded with porn you can’t do an image search on  google  for a girls name without getting back a page full of tits and ass in your search results. Well, that’s with the safe-mode turned off. And chances are if  safe-mode is turned off you’re probably looking for porn. So yeah, Porn has wiggled its way onto the Twitter scene and hey, I don’t see what’s inappropriate about that. Of course, that is only considering the fact that most advertising is shoved down your throat, so there really is no reason to stop porn from doing the same thing. And the best part about porn is you usually get to watch someone get something shoved down their throat, too!

This last example remains a total enigma to me. For one, let me just say it is not a bot, or at least I would like to believe so.
The Lone Wolf

In a world where every company has a marketing agent, The Lone Wolf stands alone. Perhaps James Kerendian payed someone locally (Jamaica, NYC) to help him get the word out. Build him a website(btw check out the babe laid out on the mattress at the bottom) but I’d like to believe the lone wolf stayed up late one night, hopped up on Five-Hour Energy Drinks, frantically trying to think of a way to raise his sinking ship of a furniture business…when suddenly he had the bright idea to market himself on the great wide interwebs! No age or culture barrier could hold the Lone Wolf back from getting a twitter (and perhaps even a facebook!) and once and for all he would prevail over all furniture stores in Jamaica, Queens… Perhaps even all furniture stores in Queens!! This is the kind of thing I signed up on Twitter for. Real people. Tonight, I raise my glass to you, local furniture store guy.

La Guardia Evacuates Thanks To Some Drunk Asshole

This morning, a man described as “highly intoxicated” by security staff, mozied into La Guardia Airport with a fake bomb in his carry-on. What an asshole! There really is no excuse for that kind of thing. I mean, I was “highly intoxicated” last night, but I didn’t take a “set of batteries and wires attached to what looked like an electrical power strip with a toggle” and try to bully my way on board a Boeing.You know what the problem is? Some people can’t handle their Liqs. If you know that you’re the type of person who drinks til they black out and then ends up in a Federal holding cell after trying to hi-jack an airplane with a fake bomb made out of things you bought at RadioShak, then perhaps you should stick to Bacardi Silver. (I’m lookin at you, Paula Abdul.)

Jeremy Sisto, Charlie Day, and Anthony Anderson’s Balls

Jeremy Soto and Charlie Day look exactly the same. And when I think about it, it makes It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia that much funnier, and Law & Order that much more of a joke. I mean come on.. Anthony Anderson? that show is ballz. but anyway…

I’m watching law & Order tonight. The show is about a bunch of rich upper east side type whities who’ve all adopted Haitian children, as a supposed act of charity. As it turns out, in true Law & Order style, the kids are all slaves. Fuckin terrible. Enter screen left, Jeremy Sisto and Anthony Anderson, and all I see is Charlie from It’s Always Sunny huffing paint out of a sock on the floor, and Kangaroo Jack’s supporting lead. Law & Order producers… GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT.

WHO: Names Tanning Beds as Top Cause of Cancer

The World Health Organization (WHO) has pronounced Tanning beds as a Top Tier cause of cancer.

But on the bright side, remember that asshole with the spikey hair, who hit on your girlfriend, and knocked into you at the bar? In 20 years or so he’ll be holed up in a hospice sucking on morphine and popping Vics.

Wait… That was a little rough

Today, I shed a tear for Jersey.

Doing Your Taxes Online: A guide to Getting e-Fucked

or is it i-fucked?

So NY supports free fill, a program which allows residents to file their taxes online for free using popular software like turbotax etc. These websites use a process call e-file to send the data to the IRS and state gov. If you start filing your Federal taxes first you’ll most likely start on the IRS website where you’re directed to freefilefillableforms.com. So you fill out your tax information. Supplement data for your W2’s and whatever other information you need to supply. You sign it electronically then send it off. Then you try to do your state taxes online. You start on the state tax website nystax.gov. On the webste they provide you with a list of websites that support the free fill program and use e-file. The problem is you’ll try and use these websites and find out you can’t just e-file your state taxes. You have to file your federal and state together. Oh, and freefillablewtfuckforms.com doesn’t support state taxes. So now you have to do your state taxes by hand. that’s how you get efucked 🙂

Bike Folly

disclaimer: niche rant coming.

My front wheel got crushed
the axel on my new (used) front wheel rusted.
the new axel is too long and the cones come loose constantly.
The only shop on the upper west side selling wheel bearings sells 25 for 5 dollars.
my left pedal squeeks because the bearings fell out.
After moving a tire and tube to a new room the wheel went flat over night.
My Front wheel is far from true.

Roger, at Pedal Pusher at 1306 2nd Ave charged me 86 dollars on the 17th for a lock I had bought on the 10th and returned on ::drum roll:: the 17th.
The best part is, thinking I had money in my checking account I bought groceries and a metrocard, and now I owe 300 dollars in insufficient funds to chase.

Luckily my bank manager is helping me fight some of the fees and we will call Pedal Pushing Mutha Fuckers tomorrow to clear some shit up.

for the first time the bank isn’t the bad guy.

p.s. He didn’t refund me until early May. this happened in April. Great job!

Irrational Fears? The Internet is Not Your Friend

So I was doing some random googling today, as I often do, when I find myself at the end of my porn rope (harhar) and I found myself looking through an encyclopia of phobias. It was more of a list then anything actually, so in the spirit of google I started looking up some of the phobias that I thought were interesting (hilariously debilitating.) One website was dedicated to those who are afraid of hair, another for people who are afraid of air pockets (AWESOME!) I noticed that neither of these websites actually addressed the phobia, or any of its symptoms.

Taking a closer look I began to notice a pattern. None of the websites directly addressed the phobias\. They usually spoke in generalities. Most of these pages said things like “Is your irrational fear causing you distress?” or “Are you tired of pricey therapy that hasn’t CURED you?” I began clicking some of the links on these pages and there it was. What all of them had in common.

(http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/osmophobia.html)

(http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/shortdescriptionlist.asp?phobiaid=1411)

They linked to a websites advertising psycho-therapy alternatives, such as time-line therapy, neuro-linguistic programming, and the best of the bunch “energy therapy.” I’m not a psychologist. I’m not even that well educated to be honest, but I’m pretty sure this is a fuckin scam. Back to googling porn. I’m sure it’s cheaper than some of the crud those sites are peddling.

Isn’t it great that someone out there decided to build a series of webpages that would prey on hypocondriacs and the mentally ill alike? That they set them up cookie cutter style so that some poor worried doll sitting at her computer, worried that the sky is falling, might stumble apon their website and fork over dough for their energy therapy? Maybe we should be afraid of the http://www.  oh the world we live in… HAPPY GOOGLING ; )