Category Archives: news

Celebrity Island Completes Staff Roster with Newly Acquired DJ AM

With the alleged death of DJ AM friday, celebrity island is said to have completed hiring their live in staff, and will be accepting residency applicants on a more regular basis this coming fall. We had a chance to sit down with some of the locals and talk about the future of one of Hollywoods best kept secrets.

“It’s a big project” one of Celebrity Islands longest residing members, and head of Performance Bookings said this morning, in an exclusive NYCIYA interview “but we all knew it would be an ambitious one from the start.” His co-director interjected; ” Yeah, for real. When we heard about this we did what we had to do as quickly as possible to get out here.Tupac and Biggie exchanged knowning glances of friendship, and fraternal love, right before bursting out in teary eyed laughter. Tupac continued “You know, we’re happy to have DJ AM coming out here.When Michael Jackson decided it was his in his best interest to make that big move out there, we knew a lot of younger guys and girls, still in their prime would start flooding the gates. A lot of pressure is put on celebrities. You know they wanted MJ to do 50 shows for 200 million dollars? That’s only 4 million a show!”  NYCIYA was not allowed an interview with MJ but his officials released this statement to the press: “Mr.Jackson isn’t yet ready to be in the public eye. To answer some of your more pressing questions: The disappearance of local village boys is not related to his arrival, regardless of what the numbers are saying, the spike of missing children reports are completely unrelated. Remember people, he was acquitted.”

NYCIYA spent a few hours with the head of promotion and marketing for Celebrity Island for a more in dept look into C.I.:

“Hi, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR CELEBRITY ISLAND” said Billy Mays, Celebrity Islands newest addition to the marketing team. “And I’m here to tell you about an amazing refuge, located in a secluded island in the tropics! Celebrities are welcome to this tropical island to spend the rest of their lives rubbing shoulders with some of the worlds allstars, performing for the well known and well to do. We have Bruce Lee teaching martial arts, Les Paul teaching guitar, We’ve got Farah Fawcett and David Carradine, Walter Concrite, and Ed McMahon and many many many more!”

We spoke briefly to DJ AM on the phone this morning and he had this to say; “I’m glad to be here. I’m just getting settled in and I’m looking forward to my stay.” DJ AM let out a brief, but telling sigh, then continued “You know, to be honest. I thought this place was just a dream, like the whole thing was brought on by a drug induced coma, and now I’m just going to fade into black. huh, weird.”

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Paradise Lost; Apartment Found


I was reading the NYtimes’ Complain Box tonight, and the current article is about a trip the author had taken with his children to P.S.1., one of his favorite places to view contemporary art in NY. Unfortunately the trip turned sour when they were suddenly ambushed by a bunch of dicks and pussah’s all over the place. Well:

We quickly encountered what appeared to be an indoor swimming pool- only it turned out to be an illusion (A glass sheet mounted in the floor, with a bit of water runing over it.). A stairway made it possible to see the pool….my kids ran up and down the stairs a dozen times, gleefully posing for photos. It was the exactly the kind of playful installation that I take them to museums like P.S.1 to see.After five minutes, they asked if there was anything else…they’d like…I didn’t know, so we checked out the exhibition across the hall…Two minutes later, I saw something alarming over my right shoulder: a giant photo of Katie Couric delivering the evening news with her genitalia exposed.

Funny, I’d come across that same giant photo not too long after reading the article.

The author continues on about how, though he is against censorship, he feels that there should have been a more clear warning  regarding Couric’s flaming news labia. His reason? A “harried parent” wouldn’t have noticed the small printed sign which warned of the 18 plus. But when did it become a museums responsibility to make sure that children don’t come across lewd paintings? and I use that term extremely loosely because it is a fucking museum. Does it have something to do with the fact that paintings typically hang about 3 to 4 feet high, which inevitably leads to a childs head being level with cock, pussy and/or ass? Irregardless,  a harried parent shouldn’t bring their child to a museum. A harried parent, with children with a ton of energy to expel, should bring their child to a park, or a pool. Not an illusion of a pool. I’m all for bringing your kids to the museum but perhaps P.S. 1 isn’t necesarily that educational oasis of child distraction in a sea of mind numbingly bland parks and playgrounds. I was brought up on the MET and the Natural History museum. They may not be genitalia free, but if you’re not okay with your kid seeing a nude oil, or statue, then maybe the reccenter should be your next destination of choice.

The author concludes

Do New York museums really want to make parents scared of what their kids will see around the corner? I propose this rule: The warning signs should be at least as large as the exposed genitalia.

Do New York parents really have so much wreckless abandon as to let their kids run wild in a contemporary art museum? I think the author should just be glad that the signs aren’t as big as his genitalia. In which case they would look something like this:

In other news, I found an apartment. Good bye alleyway, hello Brownsville! Just kidding. I’d never live in that broke ass ghetto. (Sorry Brownsville, you know you’re my boo.) Instead, I’ll be living a stones throw away in Bed Stuy: A Step Above the Rest. Just kidding+1. Their motto is Bed Stuy: Do or Die. As in kill or kill yo’self cuz you a pussay, ya pussay. At least I’ll be able to tell my kids I lived in Bed Stuy pre gentrification. CUZ IM REAL LIKE THAT

Why Heathrows Driverless Car System Could Never Work In NYC

So Heathrow is getting these futuristic driverless Cars to taxi people between terminals and parking lots, and other shit that you find around airports (Cinnabon? Duty Free shop?) Pretty amazing, considering they appear to run on a rail-less system. They even have touch screens. AND YOU KNOW YOU LIKE TOUCH SCREENS. If the Driverless Car System at Heathrow proves to be successful we might see this kind of thing on a bigger scale, perhaps even around cities. To be honest, I doubt we could pull it off if NYC. At one point or another they would turn into luxury mobile homes for the homeless/portable toilets. What appears to be a Driverless Car from the future will in fact be the warmest, most sheltery-est, half-twin sized bed in NYC. And do we really want them, anyway? A Driverless Car will have a mandated speed limit that it will be unable to surpass. You won’t be able to offer it a ‘really big tip if it can get there in ten minutes.’ Where’s the fun in riding around in a taxi, if you’re not zipping between cars, and clinging to your seat; afraid for your life? The fun is nowhere…that’s where.
I know what you’re thinking.
JUST SAY IT GRANDMAW
G: This is why we can never have nice things!. There, I said it.

via Gizmodo

Scientist Discovers Gene Mutation Linked to Needing Less Sleep. fuckin awesome

I’m a caffeine addict, I’ll admit it. I never get enough sleep, and a big part of that has to do with my caffeine intake. It’s a vicious cycle, really. Kind of like an Elephant Walk, but ethically consensual and less faggy. So when I heard that a scientist at the University of Cali, SanFran, discovered a gene mutation in two women that basically enables them to get more rest out of less sleep, I was pissed. Luckyluckyluckyluckylucky. I mean, what more could you ask for? That’s more hours in your day. That’s more time to slack off. That’s more TV.. And you know what? I need more TV in my life. Ever since I started handling my shit (back in school, got a job, moved out of the alleyway) I haven’t had any time to sit around and do nothing. And honestly, I don’t feel like my day has been a success unless I’ve spent a portion of it doing nothing. My only TRUE purpose in life, is living a purposeless life, so if I don’t have a few hours of dead time every day I feel like I’m not really living up to my full potential. Dead time isn’t exclusive to television however. It also includes laying in bed, reading shitty, low-brow Sci-Fi novels, looking at pictures of lolcats on the internet, and practicing that one song I’ve been learning on guitar for the past seven years I’ve mastered on guitar. Dr.Ying Hui-fu, discoverer of before mentioned miracle gene mutation, says that she hopes to one day be able to develop a safe treatment for people who need to be awake for longer, requiring less sleep. SIGN ME UP because right now, the other alternatives aren’t looking very good.

I guess the coffee isn’t so bad, but that PARTICULAR mother fucker looks mean.

El Niño: The Second Coming

And no, I’m not talking about Pepe from down the block who jacked your Schwinn from the school bike rack when you were 12.
I’m talking the real shit. The weather shit. For those of you who are inclined to be frightened by bad news, cover your eyes!!!

take a look at this thermal image

el ni(spanish n)o

I’m not really sure what to make of it at this point, but I’m guessing that dog dick-like gash streaking across the earth means BAD. But what do I know? eeehhhverything

According to the Independent.co.uk  “over the next few months, there may be increased drought in Africa, India and Australia, heavier rainfall in South America and increased extremes in Britain, of warm and cold. It may make 2010 one of the hottest years on record.” SPEED LEVITCH ON CRACK ALMIFHRTAllllmightyy, it’s the apocalypse baby!!

Well. Before you get your panties in a bundle The Independent continues  “at present, forecasters do not expect this El Niño to equal that of 1998.” fuckin hookline journalism. Thank god for it. If it wasn’t for shock journalism, well, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to experience such great relief, after having been so wound up.

The only thing I remember that was particularly hot about 1998 was POKEMANIA. I was hot as shit for that stuff. I kid you not.(or was it ‘I’m hot for kids, I shit you not’?) I tried my damndest to dream up ways to make pokemon a reality. I considered catching squirrels and ferrel cats, and the frightening thing is that I’ve heard this same thing from more than one person. Perhaps that isn’t frightening at all considering we might have actually had a little league. I can imagine it now. A group of 8-12 year old boys with scraggly cats and raccoons on leashes fighting for scraps of lunch meat.

I wouldn’t worry to too much about the second coming of el niño (get your mind out of the gutter) but I think I’ll wipe out the old gameboy for a spin around Pallet town.

La Guardia Evacuates Thanks To Some Drunk Asshole

This morning, a man described as “highly intoxicated” by security staff, mozied into La Guardia Airport with a fake bomb in his carry-on. What an asshole! There really is no excuse for that kind of thing. I mean, I was “highly intoxicated” last night, but I didn’t take a “set of batteries and wires attached to what looked like an electrical power strip with a toggle” and try to bully my way on board a Boeing.You know what the problem is? Some people can’t handle their Liqs. If you know that you’re the type of person who drinks til they black out and then ends up in a Federal holding cell after trying to hi-jack an airplane with a fake bomb made out of things you bought at RadioShak, then perhaps you should stick to Bacardi Silver. (I’m lookin at you, Paula Abdul.)

WHO: Names Tanning Beds as Top Cause of Cancer

sex on a frying pan
The World Health Organization (WHO) has pronounced Tanning beds as a Top Tier cause of cancer.

But on the bright side, remember that asshole with the spikey hair, who hit on your girlfriend, and knocked into you at the bar? In 20 years or so he’ll be holed up in a hospice sucking on morphine and popping Vics.

Wait… That was a little rough

Today, I shed a tear for Jersey.
poor soul